Wild Kingdom meets Law & Order

by Jennifer on February 3, 2009

It’s turning into a weird week.

Hey, you’d think so, too, if you’d spent a good part of two days tearing your house apart looking for a javelina.

The javelina isn’t alive, in case you were worried. But it is my 4th grade boy’s class pet, and he was assigned to look after it for a weekend. So, naturally, if you’re a kid and you want to get an A, the next logical step is to lose Java the javelina. And good.

Our house isn’t big. There are a finite number of places where a 6 inch stuffed animal with a red bandana (not exactly invisible, for eff’s sake) can hide. And we’ve looked and looked. And asked smart  investigative questions. Hitting all angles, I’ve interrogated The Girl at length about her involvement in the disappearance. She admits to showing Java to her friend when she was here playing, but swears she left him in one of two rooms. Narrows it down, don’t you think? (Not found in either place, obviously.)

The other night when Girl woke up in the middle of the night, groggy and blinky, I went all Law & Order on her, thinking that in the thick of sleep she might confess.

My girl is tough. She didn’t crack.


At this point, I suspect foul play. First degree pignapping.

The boy feels terrible that he lost the class pet. And I’m embarrassed – so embarrassed – all the while trying to strike a balance between assuring him that his class won’t hate him for losing Java (as he imagines) and also talking about responsibility.

Available for $7.95 plus shipping and handling

Available for $7.95 plus shipping and handling

Oh! It doesn’t help that the javelina came from a museum gift shop two and a half hours away, reports Boy’s teacher. She should know – she bought it herself.

I love his teacher. She’s great for my son. So when I called to ask her what she thought we should do from here (keep looking? or just replace Java?), I seriously thought I might cry. I’ve many times never felt like such a dumbass, even though she couldn’t have been nicer. Yep, I’m that girl. Worried about disappointing the teacher who’s at least a decade younger than me, for the love of  god.

Geez. Fourth grade was hard enough the first time. This is such BS.

You know what’s going to happen, don’t you? I’ll buy a new javelina (the lost one is known around these parts now as That Damn Javelina), pay for overnight shipping, and deliver it to Room 29.

And then I’ll drive home and find the first one somewhere in plain sight, flipping me the  cloven hoof.

Step right up. I’m taking wagers now.

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

KellyL February 4, 2009 at 1:40 am

Okay, here is the scoop. Your javelina ran off with my Mozart cd borrowed from the library. Only my Mozart cd is overdue and has been billed out for $20.00. This means of course that using the same premise as your situation… I’ll pay for the CD thinking it ran off to AZ, and it will be on my desk when I get home from the library. I can’t check out any books from the library until I pay or find. Oh dear! Best of luck.

Mrs. Chili February 4, 2009 at 6:21 am

That’s a fool’s bet – ANY mother knows that it’s going to go down EXACTLY as you’ve described; as soon as the thing’s replaced and safely delivered, it’ll show up in plain sight. Sigh.

Louise February 4, 2009 at 6:42 am

You are exactly right. Exactly. You’ll need a wood chipper then (ala Fargo) for it at that point.

jenrantsraves February 4, 2009 at 6:46 am

The second sentence had me imagining that crazy weird animal hiding in your closet, snorting and eating all your clothes, so um…it could be worse?!

Daryl February 4, 2009 at 7:52 am

I wish I was there, I am always finding the things Husband thinks are lost forever. Including the flashlight he left alongside the microwave and insisted he never had it in the kitchen .. right, one of the cats used it no doubt

Shania February 4, 2009 at 9:00 am

I’ll wager that you’ll find the original within 28 minutes of the delivery of the new one. No idea what to wager though.

Jessica February 4, 2009 at 9:38 am

that is exactly what will happen.

Candy February 4, 2009 at 9:45 am

I hate that I’m the only cynic in the room, but have you checked with The Girl’s friend? The one she showed it to? It won’t be easy, I grant you that, but something tells me….

Jennifer Harvey February 4, 2009 at 10:24 am

Candy – I have. And with her brother, and their mom (who searched their house, too). 🙁

Jenn @ Juggling Life February 4, 2009 at 11:39 am

Do you happen to have one of those kid’s play tents that fold into a circle? A visitor to our house once hid my toddler’s “baby” inside one of those. It was after 4 days of no sleep and tearing the house apart that I finally unfolded that g*damn tent. Good luck.

Csquaredplus3 February 4, 2009 at 1:10 pm

That’s hysterical! And exactly the kind of thing that would happen in our home. I allow myself to fall victim to the Alpha teacher (even if she’s younger) also. Grovel, grovel, stroke, stroke. Awful!

I’m not taking that bet. You’re gonna win.

Heather February 4, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Of course you’ll find the old one. Of course.

Stacie February 4, 2009 at 2:47 pm

After you buy the second you KNOW you will find the first. Just take the first one in too and call him “Joe,” Java’s twin brother who came to visit the class too. You must ask, however, that Java never come home with your son again because he’s not a responsible javelina. Responsible Javelinas tell their owners where they are going, how long they’ll be, and with whom they are going…TSK TSK!

Smalltown Mom February 4, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Your javelina ran off with the box to my son’s computer, which is what we’ve been searching for all evening.

Once when he was 3 or 4, a friend lost a Batman at our house. We found it over a year later, stuffed in the oven of a toy stove. ???

the mama bird diaries February 4, 2009 at 9:37 pm

I have javelina. Follow the ransom instructions and no one gets hurt.

flutter February 4, 2009 at 11:21 pm

I told you, Javelina are friggin diabolical

Honeybell February 5, 2009 at 10:23 am

Feeling inferior, she Googles Javelina . . .


That is one crazy looking animal. I think it’s in hiding.

Green Girl February 5, 2009 at 11:05 am

I think the Javelina is hiding out wearing my missing bra.

Hilary February 5, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Yes, I imagine you’ll have two of them before that day is done. But I’d check under blankets first.. it looks like a cuddly little thing.

Bruce February 5, 2009 at 3:51 pm

My first guess is, if you have a dog….look under the bed. The laundry hamper is another good option.

The third option is to go out and catch a real Javalina, put it in a cage and take it to school, walk into the classroom with it and scream “Its a miracle!”.

Ree February 7, 2009 at 6:21 pm

We have basketball tickets hanging out with the Javelina. I hope she(?) he(?) enjoyed the game.

JCK February 8, 2009 at 4:42 pm

I don’t mean to be smiling, but “flipping me the cloven hoof” really did it.

I hope you find it. If not, you have to do 4th grade again….

texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana February 9, 2009 at 6:54 pm


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