Every single year

by Jennifer on December 2, 2008

Yes, every year.

It’s not like they keep moving Christmas around so I never know when it’s coming (Surprise! We picked March 11 this year!).

And it’s not like stores haven’t been blaring stylized versions of Jingle Bells for a good month.

Weeks ago, I bought pretty cards to send out.

I’ve been giving the pile of boxes in the garage a sideways look every time I walk past (wonder where the boxes of ornaments are now?).

I almost, almost put up the Christmas wreath the other day.

I turn down the corners of recipe pages in magazines and skim the Toys R Us flier (mostly longing for the day when Halle-freakin’-lujah, Toys So R’nt Us anymore. Can I get a woohoo?)

It’s not like I don’t know it’s coming.

But I haven’t ordered a single present, or stepped foot inside a store with the intent to buy. I haven’t picked out my wrapping paper for the year (Something new every year, and I use the same paper for all the packages, except a different color for the kids. Don’t ask, don’t judge.)

The tree isn’t up. The wreath isn’t on the door. The little twinkly star-shaped lights that will line the sidewalk are safely…somewhere in the garage.


I’m never ready. Our house is always the last to one to receive its bedecking of tree and lights and garlands of ribbon. The chorus of “Mommy, when are we putting up our Christmas decorations?!” is loud and long. You’d think I’d learn.

So here’s the plan:

Weekend: Declutter and organize.

Monday: Cleaning ladies here, lordthankyou.

Monday night: Move stuff out out of the way so carpet cleaners can work their magic on…

Tuesday: When you might hear “Seriously, our carpet is that color? Niiice.”

Tuesday afternoon: While it’s still daylight and I can see the little effing bastards scorpions*, dig out the pre-lit tree and boxes of ornaments. See a scorpion, maybe two. Stomp the ever lovin’ life out of them and run like I’m being chased by zombies walk calmly back inside the house and spend the rest of the evening doing this: {{{{{{}}}}}}.

Wednesday: Say f*ck it, and go out and buy a whole new tree and ornaments.

Thursday: Spike the egg nog** while the kids are at school and surprise them with a decorated house when they get home. Or, at least unpack the ornaments and put them to work when they get home. Either way.

Friday: Throw open the front door when some of our very favorite family arrive for a long and overdue weekend and Ticket to Ride better be in a suitcase somewhere, because it is on. Pretend that the house always looks like this.***

Fa la la la la.

* Seriously, Louise, we don’t got no stinkin’ scorpions here. Really.
** At some point, ditch the eggnog in this little recipe.
*** They’ve known me too long…they know better.


UPDATE: Located Christmas tree under many, many boxes. Ornament containers nowhere to be seen. Safe bet: they’re in the wayyyy back.

UPDATE: Found one container of ornaments and the wreath for the front door. Soldiering on. Scorpion count = 0, knock on wood. Seriously, everyone, knock on wood, please.

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Milena December 2, 2008 at 9:31 pm

I just cannot believe it. Am I the first one to arrive at this commenting party? Woo-hoo! I do not think I have ever come to one of your posts where there are not at least 50 people ahead of me. Well, now that puts the pressure on don’t you think? I mean i have to say something noteworthy now. Me being the first and all… I don’t know what to say. Wait! Yes I do. You are so funny and this is a funny as hell post and I’m with you on the suck me dry Christmas enthusiasm this year. Usually I have my tree set up by the 31st of November but I really don’t think I’ll set the tree up until the middle of this month. I’ve got a serious case of end of the year blues. Send me one of them scorpions over here. I need some waking up.

Milenas last blog post..

Tootsie Farklepants December 2, 2008 at 10:02 pm

The last time we had our former couch cleaned I was genuinely shocked at the REAL color of it. And how dirty we are.

Tootsie Farklepantss last blog post..Armed With a List and a Piping Hot Venti Caramel Macchiato

Ducky December 2, 2008 at 10:17 pm

You can do it!

flutter December 2, 2008 at 11:46 pm

in the words of Red Peters, Holy Shit, it’s Christmas!

flutters last blog post..A new day

Jan December 3, 2008 at 4:38 am

Except for the scorpions and the fact that all of our kids are too old for gifts from Toys R Us (you’ll miss that, I promise!), this sounds like my plans for the week.

Especially the carpet part. The dog threw up on it Monday.


Jans last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

Gwen December 3, 2008 at 6:13 am

Oh! Do you need a little holiday cheer? I can’t really help you, as we are at least a week away from any kind of decorating (but I have a gigantic school project and a missing husband as my excuse).

I will help you finish that eggnog, though.

Gwens last blog post..Pictorial Evidence that a Good Time Was Had By All

Kimberly December 3, 2008 at 9:08 am

Wait. What?? Christmas is weeks away. What are you talking about?

::digging out calendar::

ACK! Three weeks! Three!

::better get going::

Kimberlys last blog post..My favorite things

Denise December 3, 2008 at 9:20 am

Oh, I don’t know….

the spiked eggnog always helps me out! LOL

Denises last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

melissa December 3, 2008 at 1:19 pm

I know. There is no excuse. Lethargy, perhaps. Good luck with your preparations. I’m about a half step ahead of you.

melissas last blog post..Redneck Woman

Margaret (Nanny Goats) December 3, 2008 at 1:20 pm

Do you actually expect to find scorpions???? Don’t they kill you? Or have I seen too many movies?

Margaret (Nanny Goats)s last blog post..He Sees You When You’re Sleeping, He Knows When You’re Awake

Jennifer Harvey December 3, 2008 at 2:23 pm

Margaret – In North America, only the stings of Arizona bark scorpions are potentially life-threatening. I just pretend those aren’t the ones we have here. In Arizona. (People around here see them with some frequency, depending on where they live – maybe every few months. It was three years before I saw my first live one, and I’ve seen four altogether. Denial is useful.)

Franki December 3, 2008 at 2:57 pm

dude, you completely lost me at scorpions. holeeshit.

Frankis last blog post..square root of xb YO + Holly

anymommy December 3, 2008 at 6:17 pm

That’s awesome. Good luck. Ho ho ho. And, may the scorpions not be with you.

anymommys last blog post..A Bagel Is a Dietary Staple

Madge December 3, 2008 at 6:52 pm

you know how i feel about all this christmas stuff….

Madges last blog post..Poem Thursday

Momisodes December 3, 2008 at 7:45 pm

Oh I just loved this post. Mainly because I’m glad I’m not alone.

We’re in the same boat. Even the carpet. I have no idea what color it’s supposed to be.

Knockin’ on all wood and wood related products for you 🙂

Momisodess last blog post..Blast From The Past

Ree December 3, 2008 at 7:53 pm

Wood knocked. Fo’ sho’.

Rees last blog post..Conversation #2,387,273

the mama bird diaries December 3, 2008 at 9:29 pm

Sorry… this comment was suppose to go here..

I always thought it would be much better to have chrismas in feb… then we can have those beautiful holiday lights through the whole winter and plenty of time to shop, put up decorations, etc. So we can enjoy instead of it being such a chore. It’s always such a mad race to get it all done. And then January and February are just these long, cold boring months.

the mama bird diariess last blog post..the strength of a mother

the mama bird diaries December 3, 2008 at 9:30 pm

And of course I meant to write “supposed”

I’m going to bed.

the mama bird diariess last blog post..the strength of a mother

Mad(ish) Woman December 4, 2008 at 6:51 am

I (surprisingly) got my tree up Nov 30th (and found the house of a mouse that resided among the decorations). Luckily my kidlets aren’t exposed to the insanity that is Toys R Us due to the fact that I don’t allow much TV (unless Spongebob counts) and we live in the middle of nowhere.

Also- TexasHolly directed me over here and you’re a keeper! 🙂 I look forward to your posts!

Dharmamama December 4, 2008 at 8:46 am

Dang. I started to leave a book-long comment, then realized it was a blog post! So thanks for the inspiration. I’ll just say this: to your kids, it’s ALL magic.

Knocking on wood, now! Though I might dislodge a brown recluse or black widow spider!!

Dharmamamas last blog post..Exactly Sixteen Years Ago…

Em December 4, 2008 at 9:27 am

I’m so with you – the boxes have been unloaded from the attic, but I’ve been fighting a nasty cold since Thanksgiving, and I just can’t get in the spirit. Dear hubby put the outside stuff up, so at least I have a facade of caring.

Stupid me thought it would be clever to have Oldest make his wish list from the catalogs this year – the problem? Shipping time!!!

Eggnog is the ticket, cool.


Ems last blog post.."Jesus didn’t ride an elephant."

Em December 4, 2008 at 9:27 am

P.S. LOVE the cartoon!!

Ems last blog post.."Jesus didn’t ride an elephant."

Jenn @ Juggling Life December 4, 2008 at 10:50 am

I haven’t. done. a. thing. This weekend . . .

Jenn @ Juggling Lifes last blog post..Spouting Off

jenrantsraves December 4, 2008 at 2:08 pm

I feel your pain. My husband is out hanging lights, and…that’s it. That is all we have done so far. Every.stinkin’.year.

V-Grrrl December 4, 2008 at 8:58 pm

I used to be a freakin Christmas Olympian, beginning training in July, having all gifts purchased and mailed by Thanksgiving and decorating in a very thorough and prescribed manner while attending ALL the local Christmas events with my kids. Geez.

The nice thing about living in Belgium for three years was that Europeans are so low key about the holidays. They amble into the season, they *might* hang a wreath on the front door, almost no one does outdoor lights, and Christmas trees go up in mid-December or even later and are modest affairs.

And Christmas was just as merry.

So no, I don’t have any decorations out, I haven’t written any cards, I’ve got some gifts bought but not wrapped or shipped but I’m not worried. I’ve learned to let Christmas creep into my life and not barge in like a fireman entering a burning building.

V-Grrrls last blog post..Art Journal

Louise December 6, 2008 at 9:54 pm

Hey! It’s all fine with me as long as there are no scorpions in the bed!

As for us? We left town the day the decorations could/should have gone up. I have been sick + extra busy since. Then we’ll be at your house next weekend. When do you think it’s going to happen here? Maybe we should stay until Christmas so the kids can see decorations. Oh, and a somewhat clean house.

Louises last blog post..The Esophagitis Diet

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